typing as I think...

so last year I found that the competition bug was gone...I had too much on my plate...mainly in the form of new job location and a mystery illness that my mom was battling...so I thought, regroup, recharge, and start 09 anew, refreshed, and ready to take on the stage again...


and for a moment I had the competitive fire back...but almost as soon as it was here it was gone again...


and here I am now...I was all ready to hit up team u and five weeks into the prep I just couldn't justify the costs...now in 07 I did it no matter what...I sacrificed and pushed aside in ways I should not have...not this year...I didn't want it so badly that I was willing to risk my finances...but I thought well, a pro card is really not why I was doing this anyway, so I'll just compete locally...


so ok, I'll aim for the elite in november...and then, I just didn't want to...and it occurred to me: I'm no longer in love with competitive bodybuilding...

now you'd think one would be sad by this realization but actually, I'm not...I think for me it's the kind of thing that it's a challenge, I meet it head on, I accomplish the goal, and I move on...kinda like I came, I saw, I protan-ed...


some of this came to me as I was putting clothes up in the new apt...I came across the shirt with my likeness that Ken made for his cafepress shop...and I thought, what would I do to top everything I accomplished in 07?


answer: nothing


I move on...I gather up my sword, my trophies, my competitive number badges, my calendar month, my two mentions in MD, my three NPC mag mentions, and my John Stutz book appearance and I call it a day...I had a good run...the passion's not there...it's ok...a feeling can't be forced...like a love that's no longer in existence...I can't force myself through the riggers of a prep if the true desire is not there...


so what now? well, I handle some shit in my personal life...and I call it shit b/c it's exactly that...my on again/off again struggle with bulemia...my ups and downs of dealing with being bipolar...and various substance abuse issues...most legal, but a couple that weren't...and I say "weren't" b/c as of this typing, they are no longer in my life...and never will be again b/c I simply cannot deal with that...

what have I sworn off? well, to put it simply, anything I don't need except maybe a fat burner here and there...no more thyroid meds, clen, aas, or alcohol...especially not alcohol...it almost upsets me to even think about how I felt while drinking...it used to be something that was fun and relaxing and made me feel kinda giddy...but now I have even one drink and my grasp on reality blurs...I drink one or two more and I become even further departed...the sad thing is that most have never seen this b/c I'd quickly disappear, usually driving home when I shouldn't have been, and then losing it in the comfort of my own place...literally in a corner, in tears, in a ball, ready to just end everything b/c it'd be much easier than actually dealing with the pain I was feeling...at that point I'd pop a few sleeping pills and sleep until I had to be at work the next day...all the while my coworkers didn't have a clue...


so why air all of that? well, like the title says, I'm just typing as I think...but that shirt made all these thoughts flood into my brain to the point that I had to stop and type this...now, am I done with competing? who knows...I do think I am done with bodybuilding in a competitive sense...I did vow to my best friend that should I choose to compete again that it will be in fitness...but first I need to get all of this toxic waste out of my life...I need to see myself as something worth saving and something worth taking care of...as the saying goes, the buck stops here...