no, not that kind of training, but rather training on the new job! it's a lot to take in and hoping to remember where things are, how to work the smoothie machine, where the supplies are, what to clean, how to clean it, and omg, what do I wear??? ok so that last one is a minor detail but this is the gymdiva here...hello! ;)
I was amazed at the overlaps in what I learned today and what I have done and do with my job at outback...bathroom checks like when I hosted...pulling smoothie mixes from the back freezer to the front and rotating those down to the fridge like I was pulling beer and wine when I bartended...next I'll be cleaning machines like I do tables and booths...who knew working for da OB would keep me fresh for a gym job again one day...
by the end of the year I'd like to be working on a sports nutrition certification and quite possibly my personal training cert as well...
but again, small steps...
speaking of small steps, I'm back to the gym again...feels good...as I knew it would...hormones are sooo out of whack but I'm slowly getting anything and everything processed out of my diet and eating nothing but whole foods...you know, the real stuff...although today I've had a vorascious appetite so the real stuff has been consumed with a vengeance! :)
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
sooo as I was saying...
hehehe kinda forgot to come back to that last post...in a nutshell, I'm starting over...but you know, there's something to be said for starting again...for one, it's like a new beginning, a new lease on life so to speak...a chance to not necessarily get it right, but to make it better...and for another, I'm armed with a much larger base of knowledge...I know better how I react to stuff, be it food or training or outside stimuli...I know better on when the signs are emerging that I need to seek out some help, even if it's just in the form of an escape to the movies...
and now I have an even better opportunity to improve by not just talking the talk but actually walking the walk...and this time staying on the path...I have a new inspiration to help me in that endeavor and I could not be more nervous about! nor could I be happier...and no, it's not someone...that's a whole other struggle/challenge...it's a second job...it'll be small to start with but if all goes well, I am hoping in the next year to make it into something more...
small steps though...small steps...
and now I have an even better opportunity to improve by not just talking the talk but actually walking the walk...and this time staying on the path...I have a new inspiration to help me in that endeavor and I could not be more nervous about! nor could I be happier...and no, it's not someone...that's a whole other struggle/challenge...it's a second job...it'll be small to start with but if all goes well, I am hoping in the next year to make it into something more...
small steps though...small steps...
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
the remaking of a DIVA...
so as I last left y'all I was coming clean with the fact that I'm well, trying to become clean! emotionally this has been a very up and down time...I didn't realize just how depressed feeling I had become until monday...I didn't leave the apt except to check mail and take out the trash...I spent almost the entire day in bed...I just felt so sad...didn't want to move or anything...
but then I woke up yesterday and seemed totally different...maybe my hormones are so out of whack that it is day-to-day...or maybe I just needed the rest that badly...I had developed the terrible habit of staying up until 5-6am and then falling to sleep...which with my job would have been ok except that I was then back up again at 8, 9, and usually 11 and then up finally at 1:30...so hardly continuous sleep...
I went out with mom for dinner...we went to Chapel Hill and ate at Spotted Dog...there's just something about that city that just makes me so relaxed...the air was perfect...not too humid and maybe in the mid-70s by the time we met up...now I will say, what I ate yesterday turned out to be not so bueno...hahaha...woke up today with some raging reflux but all in all I would not change yesterday for anything...
today seems different as well...I had an 11am appt so I figured I better get on up and do a small load of laundry at the clubhouse (b/c I'm without a W/D for the moment) so I won't have to worry about playing the beat the clock game before work...and while I was there I figured I'd get in some cardio...so while the laundry tumbled I did some cardio...for which my body went, really? seriously? do you realize what hour it is???
as I pedaled on the bike I checked email and discovered my 11am appt was canceled which was a maaaaaajor bummer but it's supposed to be rescheduled so you know...in the meantime LA said how about coffee at 10...which is where I'm off to next...so I shall continue this when I return...we'll see what my discussion with the LA brings...
but then I woke up yesterday and seemed totally different...maybe my hormones are so out of whack that it is day-to-day...or maybe I just needed the rest that badly...I had developed the terrible habit of staying up until 5-6am and then falling to sleep...which with my job would have been ok except that I was then back up again at 8, 9, and usually 11 and then up finally at 1:30...so hardly continuous sleep...
I went out with mom for dinner...we went to Chapel Hill and ate at Spotted Dog...there's just something about that city that just makes me so relaxed...the air was perfect...not too humid and maybe in the mid-70s by the time we met up...now I will say, what I ate yesterday turned out to be not so bueno...hahaha...woke up today with some raging reflux but all in all I would not change yesterday for anything...
today seems different as well...I had an 11am appt so I figured I better get on up and do a small load of laundry at the clubhouse (b/c I'm without a W/D for the moment) so I won't have to worry about playing the beat the clock game before work...and while I was there I figured I'd get in some cardio...so while the laundry tumbled I did some cardio...for which my body went, really? seriously? do you realize what hour it is???
as I pedaled on the bike I checked email and discovered my 11am appt was canceled which was a maaaaaajor bummer but it's supposed to be rescheduled so you know...in the meantime LA said how about coffee at 10...which is where I'm off to next...so I shall continue this when I return...we'll see what my discussion with the LA brings...
Saturday, July 4, 2009
typing as I think...
so last year I found that the competition bug was gone...I had too much on my plate...mainly in the form of new job location and a mystery illness that my mom was battling...so I thought, regroup, recharge, and start 09 anew, refreshed, and ready to take on the stage again...
and for a moment I had the competitive fire back...but almost as soon as it was here it was gone again...
and here I am now...I was all ready to hit up team u and five weeks into the prep I just couldn't justify the costs...now in 07 I did it no matter what...I sacrificed and pushed aside in ways I should not have...not this year...I didn't want it so badly that I was willing to risk my finances...but I thought well, a pro card is really not why I was doing this anyway, so I'll just compete locally...
so ok, I'll aim for the elite in november...and then, I just didn't want to...and it occurred to me: I'm no longer in love with competitive bodybuilding...
now you'd think one would be sad by this realization but actually, I'm not...I think for me it's the kind of thing that it's a challenge, I meet it head on, I accomplish the goal, and I move on...kinda like I came, I saw, I protan-ed...
some of this came to me as I was putting clothes up in the new apt...I came across the shirt with my likeness that Ken made for his cafepress shop...and I thought, what would I do to top everything I accomplished in 07?
answer: nothing
I move on...I gather up my sword, my trophies, my competitive number badges, my calendar month, my two mentions in MD, my three NPC mag mentions, and my John Stutz book appearance and I call it a day...I had a good run...the passion's not there...it's ok...a feeling can't be forced...like a love that's no longer in existence...I can't force myself through the riggers of a prep if the true desire is not there...
so what now? well, I handle some shit in my personal life...and I call it shit b/c it's exactly that...my on again/off again struggle with bulemia...my ups and downs of dealing with being bipolar...and various substance abuse issues...most legal, but a couple that weren't...and I say "weren't" b/c as of this typing, they are no longer in my life...and never will be again b/c I simply cannot deal with that...
what have I sworn off? well, to put it simply, anything I don't need except maybe a fat burner here and there...no more thyroid meds, clen, aas, or alcohol...especially not alcohol...it almost upsets me to even think about how I felt while drinking...it used to be something that was fun and relaxing and made me feel kinda giddy...but now I have even one drink and my grasp on reality blurs...I drink one or two more and I become even further departed...the sad thing is that most have never seen this b/c I'd quickly disappear, usually driving home when I shouldn't have been, and then losing it in the comfort of my own place...literally in a corner, in tears, in a ball, ready to just end everything b/c it'd be much easier than actually dealing with the pain I was feeling...at that point I'd pop a few sleeping pills and sleep until I had to be at work the next day...all the while my coworkers didn't have a clue...
so why air all of that? well, like the title says, I'm just typing as I think...but that shirt made all these thoughts flood into my brain to the point that I had to stop and type this...now, am I done with competing? who knows...I do think I am done with bodybuilding in a competitive sense...I did vow to my best friend that should I choose to compete again that it will be in fitness...but first I need to get all of this toxic waste out of my life...I need to see myself as something worth saving and something worth taking care of...as the saying goes, the buck stops here...
and for a moment I had the competitive fire back...but almost as soon as it was here it was gone again...
and here I am now...I was all ready to hit up team u and five weeks into the prep I just couldn't justify the costs...now in 07 I did it no matter what...I sacrificed and pushed aside in ways I should not have...not this year...I didn't want it so badly that I was willing to risk my finances...but I thought well, a pro card is really not why I was doing this anyway, so I'll just compete locally...
so ok, I'll aim for the elite in november...and then, I just didn't want to...and it occurred to me: I'm no longer in love with competitive bodybuilding...
now you'd think one would be sad by this realization but actually, I'm not...I think for me it's the kind of thing that it's a challenge, I meet it head on, I accomplish the goal, and I move on...kinda like I came, I saw, I protan-ed...
some of this came to me as I was putting clothes up in the new apt...I came across the shirt with my likeness that Ken made for his cafepress shop...and I thought, what would I do to top everything I accomplished in 07?
answer: nothing
I move on...I gather up my sword, my trophies, my competitive number badges, my calendar month, my two mentions in MD, my three NPC mag mentions, and my John Stutz book appearance and I call it a day...I had a good run...the passion's not there...it's ok...a feeling can't be forced...like a love that's no longer in existence...I can't force myself through the riggers of a prep if the true desire is not there...
so what now? well, I handle some shit in my personal life...and I call it shit b/c it's exactly that...my on again/off again struggle with bulemia...my ups and downs of dealing with being bipolar...and various substance abuse issues...most legal, but a couple that weren't...and I say "weren't" b/c as of this typing, they are no longer in my life...and never will be again b/c I simply cannot deal with that...
what have I sworn off? well, to put it simply, anything I don't need except maybe a fat burner here and there...no more thyroid meds, clen, aas, or alcohol...especially not alcohol...it almost upsets me to even think about how I felt while drinking...it used to be something that was fun and relaxing and made me feel kinda giddy...but now I have even one drink and my grasp on reality blurs...I drink one or two more and I become even further departed...the sad thing is that most have never seen this b/c I'd quickly disappear, usually driving home when I shouldn't have been, and then losing it in the comfort of my own place...literally in a corner, in tears, in a ball, ready to just end everything b/c it'd be much easier than actually dealing with the pain I was feeling...at that point I'd pop a few sleeping pills and sleep until I had to be at work the next day...all the while my coworkers didn't have a clue...
so why air all of that? well, like the title says, I'm just typing as I think...but that shirt made all these thoughts flood into my brain to the point that I had to stop and type this...now, am I done with competing? who knows...I do think I am done with bodybuilding in a competitive sense...I did vow to my best friend that should I choose to compete again that it will be in fitness...but first I need to get all of this toxic waste out of my life...I need to see myself as something worth saving and something worth taking care of...as the saying goes, the buck stops here...
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