it's like a new lease on life....

I do not know why exactly but I woke up today with a new resolve....a new outlook....and like someone had breathed new life into me while I was dreaming....some of it may come from surviving what can only be described as the most humbling and ass kicking shift I have ever experienced in my eight total years with Outback....apparently mob rule is the dealio when it snows and we're literally running with 6 servers, one hostess, one busser, one bartender, one take away, and me....who was the one take away but then turned into one of everything while the guy who was expoing became the one take away....I cannot even describe what all happened...hahahahaha....fuck me running it was horrible! but thank god we had the servers we did b/c they all just simply rocked!






but enough of that! a week ago today was my bday and I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be...physically anyways....I knew I'd be pretty much in the same spot financially and job wise as I try to wrap up school....but physically? wow....I really did not see me reaching this level of escaping on my part....I literally turned into a depressed blob! now for those who read this who have seen before pics whenever I've prepped, well, that's about where I am....but I think it feels so much worse this time b/c I spent so much of this year prepping and staying smaller longer....but prepping will no longer be my thing....I've just grown past it and want no part of it anymore....I've left boards, I've distanced myself from anything npc/ifbb....I just don't want to see it....what I do want to see is me getting my shit back together one step at a time and keeping it that way....I still hope to enlist professional help to make the transition stick but that will take time as I get insurance straight some time after the new year....which is only two days away! woohoo!






I am increasingly trying to get myself out there in the public view and as I do so I know that I must be a role model....I am absolutely brilliant at being able to preach it but not follow it....so I am humbly sucking up my pride and realizing I have the tools, I have the knowledge, now I have to have the courage to welcome the PERMANENT changes and the attention that comes with it....it is what I've always wanted after all, right?

Inspiration comes from strange places....

Seems odd, right? Maybe it is, but who cares? 

You know, yesterday I'm at work bored b/c people have stopped coming in to buy gift cards, and so I check my email and I see an email alert for a friend request from my ex....those that have known me a hot minute know this is the one thing that will set me off faster than anything...I was LIVID...but later it took me back to a place I didn't want to be....not that place of immense hurt and pain but rather that place of intense hatred and anger...I woke up this morning and was focused and ready to knock out my two essays I had researched on but the whole day something just didn't feel right....and I realize it's that one black spot I thought I had rid myself of....maybe this fucking jackass motherfucker contacting me for the first time in almost three years was god's way of waking me up....I thought I had addressed it but rather I had suppressed it....let's add that to the list of 2011 resolutions....

so let's get back to this focus and drive thing I had going last week....

I am meant to be different....I am not like everyone else....

and this is not a bad thing....

Insert witty title here:

I had one and I forgot it....hahahaha....hello ADD! if it comes to me I'll be sure to jot it down this time!

hmmmm, is it possible for me to save $20 a day for a year on a waitress's salary? I will find out....

well we are approaching a new year....and I hear so many people say that they don't make resolutions but I do....I don't like it when people just willy-nilly make them....I prefer to make doable ones and I consider them a promise to myself....here's some potential resolutions for 2011:

• travel to SF to see a Giants game....preferably on opening day but if not then no biggie, so long as I make it! (helllooooo Wilson!)
• train for wrestling....for realz this time!
• hair overhaul!
• save $7000....those in the know know what I want!
• FINISH SCHOOL!
• nix cable and PF membership....this one will no doubt happen
• visit a friend out of the country....I actually have two options here but costs will be big so this one may have to wait
• make a website
• find work in boone? man I want to be back up there....

quite a list to choose from....and I'm sure I'll pick more than one....I'm totally open to suggestions for others :)

now as for me....

The reason for my long absence was a terrible trip back to the land of the depressed. I don't know if I can properly put into words what all I went through and what all I felt like I did with capturing my thoughts and feelings while binging but I can try....it was not a great moment to say the least...




For those not in the know, I will tell something I used to fully keep to myself. When I was 12 I began to have these terrible bouts with depression made worse by being chubby and constantly picked on. Well approx two months after my 13th bday I had had enough and took a heaping handful of tylenol and went to sleep thinking I would not get back up. I was wrong b/c a girl who was a friend at the time called up a couple of hours later and told my parents. By this point I was awake and throwing up like a mofo....I didn't know my body would reject that many pills....opps....anyway, I spent a week in the hospital to make sure everything had cleared my system and to make sure I was stable enough mentally. How funny is it that my doc was the same man who treated my uncle coming up. He embodied the, it takes one to know one, saying to the fullest. I saw him off and on from 13 to somewhere in my early 20s. He retired and I've yet to find a doctor to replace him.


Now when things are kept stable in my life I seem to stay ok and have managed to stay off of meds for most of my documented history. As I get older I notice the issues getting worse and can pinpoint more manic episodes (granted we're still looking at like maybe two a year). And while the depressive episodes don't seem to increase in number they do increase in severity. And this year I found myself, for the first time in a very long time, considering ending everything. Why not? Sure, my family would miss me. A few close friends would, too. But can anyone actually make all of this end? The constant berating myself, the constant dark thoughts, the never feeling like I matter in any way, shape, or form. Not wanting to go out in public b/c I feel so ashamed to feel like this.






But then it's like it all disappears. I don't necessarily get giddy or anything but I feel like I can make some sort of headway toward normalcy. I clearly need to get some counseling going again and maybe meds. We'll see. Once insurance is available that will be much easier to accomplish! But for anyone wondering why I bailed on my shows this year, this is one reason why. I just could not keep it together and was suffering almost near panic attacks about getting fat post-show. That is not healthy! hahahahaha, not by a long shot!




So what's my gameplan? Well for one thing, distance myself from some people who have proven to be toxic to me (see previous blog for a hint on that one). I am also refusing to budge when it comes to my training and diet. Nope, not one bit. I budge, I cave, I collapse. Can't do it anymore! I have to be selfish for once in hopes of making myself be what I know I am capable of. And if anyone reading this thinks that's bitchy well, kiss my fat, pale ass :D I know what has worked for me in the past and it's time I do it FOR MYSELF once again.




Until next time my divalicious followers! :)

just be a good person.....

Is it really THAT difficult to lead life with a good heart? With a good conscious? No, seriously....I may not be of the religious nature but I do believe in doing right by my fellow man (or woman for you PC folk)....Karma is going to get you like a MOFO! I hope the one moment of pleasure was worth losing a friendship....one that was supposedly of high value....to sit back and see this done is just astounding....






and for anyone that's known me a while, no, that wasn't about my ex! HAHAHAHAHA....same principle but no, not having an unpleasant flashback! ;)

Article on a new anorexia & teens study

posted by Jillian Michaels (I love her!) on her twitter account:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/19/health/research/19anorexia.html?_r=1

a feeling of accomplishment....

who knew just simply training b/c I could would feel so good?


 I still feel a great sense of shame that I don't look like I did a few shorts weeks ago. I still have an almost paranoid feeling that others are staring or whispering about me behind my back like, hey, wasn't she just skinny and now she's a fatass? and I'm sure there's a couple out there just b/c I know some people like that...but I also recognize it's mostly in my head....like everything else...


how bad was it? I successfully did not look in the mirror at myself (minus putting on makeup) for more than a week...and of course, the makeup application was fully clothed...I remember back in '98 I was so distraught at the thought of looking at myself in the mirror for my dance class that I had to take an incomplete b/c I couldn't go....I was fortunate in that my teacher understood since she came from a ballet background....she certainly got it when it came to someone have a warped view of themselves....but that is the last time I recall avoiding mirrors like that...


I'm still very much working through these feelings as I slowly get it all back in line...I'm at work feeling ashamed and embarrassed and I simply cannot wait to untuck my shirt and hide behind that shapeless piece of fabric...but right now I'm trying very hard to not focus on those feelings and rather keep my thoughts to things ahead of me like continuing to eat healthy, eat smart, workout every day, and turn my thoughts to something besides food and anxiety...I know I can do this...eventually...

operation lean diva: one step at a time....

I hesitate using words like "skinny" b/c I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to work the hard earned muscle off so I figured "lean" was more apt....and I HATE the word tone...that should only apply to the soap....




so yesterday I figured out one reason why I was extra fluffy and hyper-emotional the whole previous week....good thing I did drop my shows b/c "it" arrived right on schedule....the ladies know what I mean! as a result I've been dropping all that water weight that comes with it which is great b/c I don't feel so rotund but at the same time it's annoying b/c I feel like I'm in the bathroom more than anywhere else! but it's temporary so eh, whatev...


yesterday was not the cleanest of eating but it wasn't terrible either....I had butter popcorn....a large bowl of it...hahahaha....the meals leading up to it were very clean so it wasn't THAT bad....the day before, however, was a total success! and I was very proud of myself and felt very good...and so far today it's been a total repeat...I also went out and did a 3mi walk...that's not that far for me but I had to play along with what mother nature has dealt me so I figured I'd do something else later to go along with it...with all the college football I'm thinking I'll just hop on my bike and pedal away...




so two days in a row and working on a third as being binge and/or purge free....baby steps...