and while you work on yourself...

don't forget to work for others! I'm already working on getting all my clothes I don't wear (many of which still have tags on them!) out of my closet and into the hands of someone who needs them more....just cleaned out the pantry and bought some extras for a coworker's canned food drive....and now I've stumbled upon this organization thanks to the blog http://bakeanddestroy.net/ (twitter profile: http://twitter.com/#!/bakeanddestroy ) called Grind For Life....here's the link: http://www.grindforlife.org/indexnew.asp?category=7




so I urge anyone who reads this to go donate to them or to a local organization or donate your time to a local shelter....pay it forward forever and always!

well, let's try something different....

now those that know me know that I love me some keto dieting :) it helps to keep my up and down blood sugar even and I don't feel like a crackhead wanting my crack (aka CARBS!)....but I remembered some diets from back in the day that were netting me some good results and I thought hey, why not break them out again? here's a sample for anyone else who wants to give one a whirl:

MEAL ONE:  Eat 1 serving of cream of rice with 18 blue berries or 12 raspberries added,  with  a Tbsp of glutamine and a dose of b complex and viatamin C

MEAL TWO:  Eat 3 oz of chicken with 1/2 cup black beans and 2 Tbsp of salsa

SNACK: Drink a 30 gram low carb low fat shake with  1 Tbsp of wheat germ added to it and take 1500 mcgs of B-12 and 1/2 dose of thermos

TRAIN:  do a 2.5 mile balls out run three days a week after arms, shoulders, chest.  Bike after back 40 minutes

MEAL TWO:  Eat 2 oz of chicken, 2 oz of flank steak and a small salad with additional green and yellow veggies on it.  Only on the days you lift add a 5 oz yam to this meal with a dose of B-complex and glutamine plus 1000 mgs of vitamin C

MEAL THREE:  Eat 3 oz of tuna with 10 almonds and take a Tbsp of glutamine and  1500 mcgs of B-12 and another thermo

SECOND CARDIO: On three days do an additional 40 minutes of cardio here.  Bootcamp style workout on the weekend

MEAL FOUR:  Eat 4 oz of all white meat low sodium turkey with 3/4 cup of diced green, yellow or red veggies of your choice.

MEAL FIVE:  Drink a 30 gram low carb, low fat shake

SNACK:  eat a sugar free jell-o, pocicle or pudding

meal two is the BEST! I always looked forward to it when I did this one :)

WELCOME 2011!!!!

happy new year y'all :)




so in the spirit of resolutions, here is my official list for 2011 to be completed by 12/31/11 at 11:59pm:

• finish school
• take classes at Aradia and Arrichion
• complete my trainer certification
• start my website
• let go of personal inhibitions
• weekly yoga of some form (be it classes or at home)
• get my Wii, dvr,dvd/vcr combo all plugged up with the tv....and working!
• take care of a financial issue haunting me since 07....it's a mess!
• get a damn haircut! ok maybe just a trim....but a definite color change!
• get my cross tattoo at GCI
• add a new piercing.....or ten....whatev ;)
• new photoshoots!
• TRAVEL! preferably to SanFran for a Giants game (or hell, maybe ATL-it is way closer!) or AZ for the All Star Game
• make a minimum of two donations to a charity

I do have a play it by ear list as well....I say play it by ear b/c money will really be a determining factor on most of this:

• get wrestling training-this was originally a must but that financial matter may push this one aside-we shall see
• get a second job! hahaha-I mean hey, let's try to make this all work, ok?
• go back to school-well, gotta finish degree #1 first!
• complete a 5k-still looking at one in April-it has an obstacle course :)
• get a couch-I know, right!
• do something custom to my car-what I have no idea

I may come back and add to this but I think this is pretty much it....some of them I can probably cross off this month....others will take time....but nothing worth having isn't worth working for so it will only make it sweeter :)

it's like a new lease on life....

I do not know why exactly but I woke up today with a new resolve....a new outlook....and like someone had breathed new life into me while I was dreaming....some of it may come from surviving what can only be described as the most humbling and ass kicking shift I have ever experienced in my eight total years with Outback....apparently mob rule is the dealio when it snows and we're literally running with 6 servers, one hostess, one busser, one bartender, one take away, and me....who was the one take away but then turned into one of everything while the guy who was expoing became the one take away....I cannot even describe what all happened...hahahahaha....fuck me running it was horrible! but thank god we had the servers we did b/c they all just simply rocked!






but enough of that! a week ago today was my bday and I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be...physically anyways....I knew I'd be pretty much in the same spot financially and job wise as I try to wrap up school....but physically? wow....I really did not see me reaching this level of escaping on my part....I literally turned into a depressed blob! now for those who read this who have seen before pics whenever I've prepped, well, that's about where I am....but I think it feels so much worse this time b/c I spent so much of this year prepping and staying smaller longer....but prepping will no longer be my thing....I've just grown past it and want no part of it anymore....I've left boards, I've distanced myself from anything npc/ifbb....I just don't want to see it....what I do want to see is me getting my shit back together one step at a time and keeping it that way....I still hope to enlist professional help to make the transition stick but that will take time as I get insurance straight some time after the new year....which is only two days away! woohoo!






I am increasingly trying to get myself out there in the public view and as I do so I know that I must be a role model....I am absolutely brilliant at being able to preach it but not follow it....so I am humbly sucking up my pride and realizing I have the tools, I have the knowledge, now I have to have the courage to welcome the PERMANENT changes and the attention that comes with it....it is what I've always wanted after all, right?

Inspiration comes from strange places....

Seems odd, right? Maybe it is, but who cares? 

You know, yesterday I'm at work bored b/c people have stopped coming in to buy gift cards, and so I check my email and I see an email alert for a friend request from my ex....those that have known me a hot minute know this is the one thing that will set me off faster than anything...I was LIVID...but later it took me back to a place I didn't want to be....not that place of immense hurt and pain but rather that place of intense hatred and anger...I woke up this morning and was focused and ready to knock out my two essays I had researched on but the whole day something just didn't feel right....and I realize it's that one black spot I thought I had rid myself of....maybe this fucking jackass motherfucker contacting me for the first time in almost three years was god's way of waking me up....I thought I had addressed it but rather I had suppressed it....let's add that to the list of 2011 resolutions....

so let's get back to this focus and drive thing I had going last week....

I am meant to be different....I am not like everyone else....

and this is not a bad thing....

Insert witty title here:

I had one and I forgot it....hahahaha....hello ADD! if it comes to me I'll be sure to jot it down this time!

hmmmm, is it possible for me to save $20 a day for a year on a waitress's salary? I will find out....

well we are approaching a new year....and I hear so many people say that they don't make resolutions but I do....I don't like it when people just willy-nilly make them....I prefer to make doable ones and I consider them a promise to myself....here's some potential resolutions for 2011:

• travel to SF to see a Giants game....preferably on opening day but if not then no biggie, so long as I make it! (helllooooo Wilson!)
• train for wrestling....for realz this time!
• hair overhaul!
• save $7000....those in the know know what I want!
• FINISH SCHOOL!
• nix cable and PF membership....this one will no doubt happen
• visit a friend out of the country....I actually have two options here but costs will be big so this one may have to wait
• make a website
• find work in boone? man I want to be back up there....

quite a list to choose from....and I'm sure I'll pick more than one....I'm totally open to suggestions for others :)

now as for me....

The reason for my long absence was a terrible trip back to the land of the depressed. I don't know if I can properly put into words what all I went through and what all I felt like I did with capturing my thoughts and feelings while binging but I can try....it was not a great moment to say the least...




For those not in the know, I will tell something I used to fully keep to myself. When I was 12 I began to have these terrible bouts with depression made worse by being chubby and constantly picked on. Well approx two months after my 13th bday I had had enough and took a heaping handful of tylenol and went to sleep thinking I would not get back up. I was wrong b/c a girl who was a friend at the time called up a couple of hours later and told my parents. By this point I was awake and throwing up like a mofo....I didn't know my body would reject that many pills....opps....anyway, I spent a week in the hospital to make sure everything had cleared my system and to make sure I was stable enough mentally. How funny is it that my doc was the same man who treated my uncle coming up. He embodied the, it takes one to know one, saying to the fullest. I saw him off and on from 13 to somewhere in my early 20s. He retired and I've yet to find a doctor to replace him.


Now when things are kept stable in my life I seem to stay ok and have managed to stay off of meds for most of my documented history. As I get older I notice the issues getting worse and can pinpoint more manic episodes (granted we're still looking at like maybe two a year). And while the depressive episodes don't seem to increase in number they do increase in severity. And this year I found myself, for the first time in a very long time, considering ending everything. Why not? Sure, my family would miss me. A few close friends would, too. But can anyone actually make all of this end? The constant berating myself, the constant dark thoughts, the never feeling like I matter in any way, shape, or form. Not wanting to go out in public b/c I feel so ashamed to feel like this.






But then it's like it all disappears. I don't necessarily get giddy or anything but I feel like I can make some sort of headway toward normalcy. I clearly need to get some counseling going again and maybe meds. We'll see. Once insurance is available that will be much easier to accomplish! But for anyone wondering why I bailed on my shows this year, this is one reason why. I just could not keep it together and was suffering almost near panic attacks about getting fat post-show. That is not healthy! hahahahaha, not by a long shot!




So what's my gameplan? Well for one thing, distance myself from some people who have proven to be toxic to me (see previous blog for a hint on that one). I am also refusing to budge when it comes to my training and diet. Nope, not one bit. I budge, I cave, I collapse. Can't do it anymore! I have to be selfish for once in hopes of making myself be what I know I am capable of. And if anyone reading this thinks that's bitchy well, kiss my fat, pale ass :D I know what has worked for me in the past and it's time I do it FOR MYSELF once again.




Until next time my divalicious followers! :)

just be a good person.....

Is it really THAT difficult to lead life with a good heart? With a good conscious? No, seriously....I may not be of the religious nature but I do believe in doing right by my fellow man (or woman for you PC folk)....Karma is going to get you like a MOFO! I hope the one moment of pleasure was worth losing a friendship....one that was supposedly of high value....to sit back and see this done is just astounding....






and for anyone that's known me a while, no, that wasn't about my ex! HAHAHAHAHA....same principle but no, not having an unpleasant flashback! ;)