come for the vanity, stay for the sanity....

For two days straight I have stared at this blank blog trying to figure out what I wanted to type...I thought, how difficult could this be? I've been pretty honest and open about this in the past....but then I remember I've been open and honest to a small community of e-friends (and a few real life ones) and now I'm about to "go live" with it....

but then I remember why I'm doing this....it's twofold actually....the first being, I want to help others....I may not be a licensed anything but I do understand what happens to a person both physically and mentally when dealing with anything food and body image related....and if my dealings with it can help another person out then I will have accomplished goal #1....goal #2 is to help myself....to keep me in check, to keep me accountable, and to keep me "realistic"....no more making excuses or lying to myself....no more hiding from my issues....it will no doubt require a lot of soul searching and pain but if exposing my issues and bearing my soul for the world to see is what it takes, then that's what needs to be done....

when I wrote in my journal about an experience I had on Wednesday I never thought I'd get the responses I did....most of them were via texts from friends whom all proclaimed what I described was exactly what it felt like and exactly what they've gone through and that it was so refreshing to know they weren't alone....here is the post in its entirety:


but what spurred that post last night was I had been at work and just started to feel almost shaky....and I was starting to get that feeling...that feeling of wanting to binge....and not on anything there....to be honest if I never touched outback food again (minus those damn awesome cinnamon pecans!) I would not shed a tear-this is what happens once you've entered your 7th consecutive year of staring at the food.....anyway, so back to that feeling....I was literally starting to enter a phase of wringing my hands together....I got in the car and I had to start going, drive straight to gold's-drive straight to gold's....I had to speed past kroger b/c I could literally feel my hands wanting to turn the steering wheel towards the parking lot....I got to the gym and I'm thinking, once I start lifting this will all go away....it didn't....I'm lifting back still wanting to drive to the store and buy whatever I could get my hands on and binge like a mad woman.....I finished up back and got on the stepmill and was texting Kristen and my best friend Jackie and god bless them but it just was not helping....I kept stepping and finally went home....I did not stop by the store but I did get home and eat a can of black beans....weird, huh? hahahaha....it's like I just had to do something...


and it's not even like I had restricted myself or was hungry and made that "regular girl" mistake of barely eating and then eating big at the end of the day b/c I'm hungry....I just got what can only be described as a yearning like what a recovering alcoholic or drug addict gets....even with the shakes and sweats....so far today I have not taken in any carbs....it's like I've developed a fear of them....how fucked up is that!




I don't expect everyone to understand or even acknowledge the issues I face....and I do firmly believe anyone going through any kind of eating disorder, regardless of the type, is using it as an outlet for a much larger issue at hand...what that issue may be is for a qualified professional to determine...but in the meantime I hope to help others and myself examine why it is that they do what they do and what they can do to help prevent such behaviors from resurfacing...


to those that don't understand, I, well, understand! hahahaha ;) this is one of those issues that most look at and go, oh they're just weak or have no willpower....but like a drug or alcohol addict the reality of its presence is almost overwhelming....the biggest difference here is that we can't abstain eating....food is essential to live....I can go the rest of my life without alcohol....food? not so much....and it's EVERYWHERE! social gatherings, family events, places of work....part of this journey will be to discover what triggers binging/purging/avoiding food and what can be done to them...not always possible but like any recovering addict, avoiding situations with known triggers helps in making the process a much smoother one....




so please join me as I start step one of dealing with this issue head on...I want to feel like a "normal" person....I just want to be happy with who I am....I just want to look in the mirror for once and not see every flaw...I want to think about something other than food and working out...I just want to be.....