typing as I think...

so last year I found that the competition bug was gone...I had too much on my plate...mainly in the form of new job location and a mystery illness that my mom was battling...so I thought, regroup, recharge, and start 09 anew, refreshed, and ready to take on the stage again...


and for a moment I had the competitive fire back...but almost as soon as it was here it was gone again...


and here I am now...I was all ready to hit up team u and five weeks into the prep I just couldn't justify the costs...now in 07 I did it no matter what...I sacrificed and pushed aside in ways I should not have...not this year...I didn't want it so badly that I was willing to risk my finances...but I thought well, a pro card is really not why I was doing this anyway, so I'll just compete locally...


so ok, I'll aim for the elite in november...and then, I just didn't want to...and it occurred to me: I'm no longer in love with competitive bodybuilding...

now you'd think one would be sad by this realization but actually, I'm not...I think for me it's the kind of thing that it's a challenge, I meet it head on, I accomplish the goal, and I move on...kinda like I came, I saw, I protan-ed...


some of this came to me as I was putting clothes up in the new apt...I came across the shirt with my likeness that Ken made for his cafepress shop...and I thought, what would I do to top everything I accomplished in 07?


answer: nothing


I move on...I gather up my sword, my trophies, my competitive number badges, my calendar month, my two mentions in MD, my three NPC mag mentions, and my John Stutz book appearance and I call it a day...I had a good run...the passion's not there...it's ok...a feeling can't be forced...like a love that's no longer in existence...I can't force myself through the riggers of a prep if the true desire is not there...


so what now? well, I handle some shit in my personal life...and I call it shit b/c it's exactly that...my on again/off again struggle with bulemia...my ups and downs of dealing with being bipolar...and various substance abuse issues...most legal, but a couple that weren't...and I say "weren't" b/c as of this typing, they are no longer in my life...and never will be again b/c I simply cannot deal with that...

what have I sworn off? well, to put it simply, anything I don't need except maybe a fat burner here and there...no more thyroid meds, clen, aas, or alcohol...especially not alcohol...it almost upsets me to even think about how I felt while drinking...it used to be something that was fun and relaxing and made me feel kinda giddy...but now I have even one drink and my grasp on reality blurs...I drink one or two more and I become even further departed...the sad thing is that most have never seen this b/c I'd quickly disappear, usually driving home when I shouldn't have been, and then losing it in the comfort of my own place...literally in a corner, in tears, in a ball, ready to just end everything b/c it'd be much easier than actually dealing with the pain I was feeling...at that point I'd pop a few sleeping pills and sleep until I had to be at work the next day...all the while my coworkers didn't have a clue...


so why air all of that? well, like the title says, I'm just typing as I think...but that shirt made all these thoughts flood into my brain to the point that I had to stop and type this...now, am I done with competing? who knows...I do think I am done with bodybuilding in a competitive sense...I did vow to my best friend that should I choose to compete again that it will be in fitness...but first I need to get all of this toxic waste out of my life...I need to see myself as something worth saving and something worth taking care of...as the saying goes, the buck stops here...

miss me?

as my girl Kristen pointed out to me, I need to update this!


things are still up in the air for me competitively...I think my fun, fast, and furious ride through the national scene in 07 left me burnt out...and often contemplating, "how do I top that???"


but things are becoming clearer and some items in my life have been put into better perspective...some of it my body has done to me...some of it my great and awesome friends Desiree and LeighAnn have done...and some come from the advice of the always super Colette...how that woman does it is beyond me!


I will write more soon...lots of things stirring through this scattered and disorganized brain of mine right now...as things get better sorted out I will open up more about them...


for now it's on to sleep so I can finish moving...which makes for one hell of a full body workout I might add! :)

FEMALE TRANSFORMATION OF THE WEEK!!!

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/transf161.htm

WOOOO!!! check it out! if you ever wondered where I started here's the basic story...even embarrassing pics!

Ladies, it's time for your daily dose of iron...

the following is my submission for the MD 500 word essay contest for the month of May...when voting opens up I will be sure to post it so you can participate...we're excited b/c we have double the entries we normally do!

---

Take a look around at any billboard, magazine ad, commercial, etc, and you’d think we lived in a malnourished, but genetically gifted, country of waifs. But now look around the real world. Here a lump, there a roll, everywhere a muffintop. So imagine my surprise each time I’m approached and asked how I got the arms I’m sporting. And I tell them simply that I eat with common sense and I lift. “So I need to change my diet?” Yes, it truly is the key to making the hard work see the light of day. “Well I don’t want to lift because I don’t want to get all big.” Ok so let me get this straight. You are standing in front of me in pants and a top made for someone two sizes smaller and you’re worried about getting “big.”
Ladies, listen to me and listen to me now: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET BIG!!! YOU DO NOT HAVE THE NEEDED TESTOSTERONE LEVELS TO GET BIG!!!

With that being said, pick up a damn weight! And I don’t mean a pink one. Or a purple one. Pick up a double digit number. Think about it. Some of you asking me about this have had children. Last I checked they are not 2lb pink Barbie dumbbells. Did lifting your child day after day turn you into Arnold? Mmmm, I’m guessing no. So why the fear of weights ladies? There are numerous benefits to lifting. Stress relief, raising of the resting metabolic rate, increased strength and energy for everyday activities…so why are you scared? Why not pick up a weight or two? I challenge you to.

Yes that’s right, I’m challenging you to pick up the weights ladies! Take the challenge. Go with a friend and make it a fun competition between the two of you. And be ready to embrace the new you that you had no idea was hiding under those layers of fluff. All you ladies out there worried about getting “bulky” from lifting weights, well, I’m here to serve as your wakeup call. Take a look in the mirror: don’t you think that muffin top and major badonkadonk is enough bulk already?

Don’t like the harsh wakeup call? Ok, let me break it down like this: you’ll just plain feel better. That dumb boss at work? That annoying boyfriend? That nagging parent? All gone in a simple squat. All gone in a set of bicep curls. And when you feel better, you look better! And guess what, bathing suit shopping won’t be so bad anymore either.

Look around at everyday physiques. Is this what you want to aspire to? Is this what you want for future generations? Don’t you want more in all you do? Well then get in there and use that monthly membership for all it’s worth. Get in there and shape, sculpt, and develop a better you. Your body deserves it.

Ladies, it’s time for your daily dose of iron.

help out two in need here in NC...

and these aren’t just your ordinary fellow NC-ers...this would be Jeff Hardy and his gf Beth...below is a link to Matt Hardy’s blog here on myspace recapping what happened this past week...there is an address within the blog that I will also post here...I would imagine any help you can muster would be greatly appreciated, especially from those of you whom may have memorabilia of some kind...I am in the midst of gathering a care package of clothing, most of which have never even been on me, to send their way...

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=152686889&blogID=368518234


Mailing Address is:

Jeff Hardy c/o Matt Hardy
p.o. box 713
Vass, NC 28394

life is short, train hard...

recent events have me thinking...



and I can't put it off any longer...I have to go for broke every day...no excuses...no limitations...no hesitations...no back tracking...no what ifs...


I can't just sit around wanting, wishing, and yearning...


I must go do...or die trying...

what is it...

about habits? and I don't mean that habit of humming or smacking your gum...I mean the ones that do you in every time...that always sneak up on you...that always manage to find their way back to your life even when you think you've got it under control...things are fine and then wham! it's right back there for you...when is that day going to come for me when my demons are defeated by my goals in life...it's been a long time coming...surly this is my year, right?