it's like a new lease on life....

I do not know why exactly but I woke up today with a new resolve....a new outlook....and like someone had breathed new life into me while I was dreaming....some of it may come from surviving what can only be described as the most humbling and ass kicking shift I have ever experienced in my eight total years with Outback....apparently mob rule is the dealio when it snows and we're literally running with 6 servers, one hostess, one busser, one bartender, one take away, and me....who was the one take away but then turned into one of everything while the guy who was expoing became the one take away....I cannot even describe what all happened...hahahahaha....fuck me running it was horrible! but thank god we had the servers we did b/c they all just simply rocked!






but enough of that! a week ago today was my bday and I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be...physically anyways....I knew I'd be pretty much in the same spot financially and job wise as I try to wrap up school....but physically? wow....I really did not see me reaching this level of escaping on my part....I literally turned into a depressed blob! now for those who read this who have seen before pics whenever I've prepped, well, that's about where I am....but I think it feels so much worse this time b/c I spent so much of this year prepping and staying smaller longer....but prepping will no longer be my thing....I've just grown past it and want no part of it anymore....I've left boards, I've distanced myself from anything npc/ifbb....I just don't want to see it....what I do want to see is me getting my shit back together one step at a time and keeping it that way....I still hope to enlist professional help to make the transition stick but that will take time as I get insurance straight some time after the new year....which is only two days away! woohoo!






I am increasingly trying to get myself out there in the public view and as I do so I know that I must be a role model....I am absolutely brilliant at being able to preach it but not follow it....so I am humbly sucking up my pride and realizing I have the tools, I have the knowledge, now I have to have the courage to welcome the PERMANENT changes and the attention that comes with it....it is what I've always wanted after all, right?

Inspiration comes from strange places....

Seems odd, right? Maybe it is, but who cares? 

You know, yesterday I'm at work bored b/c people have stopped coming in to buy gift cards, and so I check my email and I see an email alert for a friend request from my ex....those that have known me a hot minute know this is the one thing that will set me off faster than anything...I was LIVID...but later it took me back to a place I didn't want to be....not that place of immense hurt and pain but rather that place of intense hatred and anger...I woke up this morning and was focused and ready to knock out my two essays I had researched on but the whole day something just didn't feel right....and I realize it's that one black spot I thought I had rid myself of....maybe this fucking jackass motherfucker contacting me for the first time in almost three years was god's way of waking me up....I thought I had addressed it but rather I had suppressed it....let's add that to the list of 2011 resolutions....

so let's get back to this focus and drive thing I had going last week....

I am meant to be different....I am not like everyone else....

and this is not a bad thing....

Insert witty title here:

I had one and I forgot it....hahahaha....hello ADD! if it comes to me I'll be sure to jot it down this time!

hmmmm, is it possible for me to save $20 a day for a year on a waitress's salary? I will find out....

well we are approaching a new year....and I hear so many people say that they don't make resolutions but I do....I don't like it when people just willy-nilly make them....I prefer to make doable ones and I consider them a promise to myself....here's some potential resolutions for 2011:

• travel to SF to see a Giants game....preferably on opening day but if not then no biggie, so long as I make it! (helllooooo Wilson!)
• train for wrestling....for realz this time!
• hair overhaul!
• save $7000....those in the know know what I want!
• FINISH SCHOOL!
• nix cable and PF membership....this one will no doubt happen
• visit a friend out of the country....I actually have two options here but costs will be big so this one may have to wait
• make a website
• find work in boone? man I want to be back up there....

quite a list to choose from....and I'm sure I'll pick more than one....I'm totally open to suggestions for others :)