it's like a new lease on life....

I do not know why exactly but I woke up today with a new resolve....a new outlook....and like someone had breathed new life into me while I was dreaming....some of it may come from surviving what can only be described as the most humbling and ass kicking shift I have ever experienced in my eight total years with Outback....apparently mob rule is the dealio when it snows and we're literally running with 6 servers, one hostess, one busser, one bartender, one take away, and me....who was the one take away but then turned into one of everything while the guy who was expoing became the one take away....I cannot even describe what all happened...hahahahaha....fuck me running it was horrible! but thank god we had the servers we did b/c they all just simply rocked!






but enough of that! a week ago today was my bday and I'm not exactly where I thought I'd be...physically anyways....I knew I'd be pretty much in the same spot financially and job wise as I try to wrap up school....but physically? wow....I really did not see me reaching this level of escaping on my part....I literally turned into a depressed blob! now for those who read this who have seen before pics whenever I've prepped, well, that's about where I am....but I think it feels so much worse this time b/c I spent so much of this year prepping and staying smaller longer....but prepping will no longer be my thing....I've just grown past it and want no part of it anymore....I've left boards, I've distanced myself from anything npc/ifbb....I just don't want to see it....what I do want to see is me getting my shit back together one step at a time and keeping it that way....I still hope to enlist professional help to make the transition stick but that will take time as I get insurance straight some time after the new year....which is only two days away! woohoo!






I am increasingly trying to get myself out there in the public view and as I do so I know that I must be a role model....I am absolutely brilliant at being able to preach it but not follow it....so I am humbly sucking up my pride and realizing I have the tools, I have the knowledge, now I have to have the courage to welcome the PERMANENT changes and the attention that comes with it....it is what I've always wanted after all, right?