a feeling of accomplishment....

who knew just simply training b/c I could would feel so good?


 I still feel a great sense of shame that I don't look like I did a few shorts weeks ago. I still have an almost paranoid feeling that others are staring or whispering about me behind my back like, hey, wasn't she just skinny and now she's a fatass? and I'm sure there's a couple out there just b/c I know some people like that...but I also recognize it's mostly in my head....like everything else...


how bad was it? I successfully did not look in the mirror at myself (minus putting on makeup) for more than a week...and of course, the makeup application was fully clothed...I remember back in '98 I was so distraught at the thought of looking at myself in the mirror for my dance class that I had to take an incomplete b/c I couldn't go....I was fortunate in that my teacher understood since she came from a ballet background....she certainly got it when it came to someone have a warped view of themselves....but that is the last time I recall avoiding mirrors like that...


I'm still very much working through these feelings as I slowly get it all back in line...I'm at work feeling ashamed and embarrassed and I simply cannot wait to untuck my shirt and hide behind that shapeless piece of fabric...but right now I'm trying very hard to not focus on those feelings and rather keep my thoughts to things ahead of me like continuing to eat healthy, eat smart, workout every day, and turn my thoughts to something besides food and anxiety...I know I can do this...eventually...