or in this case, something has to change....and it has to change now....
when I started this blog I really thought it was a step in the right direction....which it is....but it has not been as immediate as I expected....I don't mean to imply that I thought I'd write an entry and be cured...um, no....but I did think once I got it out I'd start the healing process....but in reality it only ripped open the wound further....and I think the anxiety of being so honest gave me a very vulnerable feeling....a feeling I do not deal with too well....I've alway had this issue of wanting to be "perfect" and seeming above temptation....above things that make others fall...
and I could not be any further from this....
so I was examining that quote from King of the Hill and I thought, ok, let's think about why this resonates so deeply....and it's simple: I've always felt lonely....I was supposed to be a twin (yes, there were supposed to be two of me!) but that did not come to fruition....my mom suffered at least two miscarriages after me so there I was, an only child....I didn't care much but it left me alone a lot....I didn't grow up around kids my age and only saw them at school or at the figure skating rink...fast forward through the hell years of middle school where I was relentlessly teased for being fat and we get to high school....now I was still made fun of for being overweight but not like I was before....I was highly involved in after school activities and athletics but still, I felt alone...in the longrun (on up until this very moment) I've built a pretty successful wall around me with very few knowing the real me....as a result a lot of people will say things to my face that they think I can take...in reality it strikes me to the core...so combine that with a tendency to not always be the most stable in the brain chemistry dept and I tend to fold when no one is looking....
oh but look...........what's always there for me............what never goes away...........what always makes me feel better.....
food....
in a future blog I will discuss the purge side to this....for now I am looking at the binge part....this weekend has been very up and down....but for some reason tonight I had a new sense of duty....an awakening if you will....this is my chance to be a role model....to help others see that this IS something they can battle through and manage successfully....I want it b/c it's time I realize I'm worth treating myself with pride and respect....my body is starting to show the wear and tear of the abuse....this needs to stop and it needs to stop now...
3 comments:
Wow, I admire the way you were so honest and vulnerable. I definitely understand the lonely part and the overweight and being made fun of. I am there now but it is myself that I have to deal with. I like that you have reached a certain point and you are ready to go forward. Good luck.
muldertx
Great, brave post, Sharon.
This kind of honesty is humbling. Especially coming from someone from whom I never expected it. Nobody would know this about you if you chose to keep it in...such is the issue, invisible to all but those who suffer.
At any rate, I admire your courage, and I can identify with the usage of bodybuilding as an escape from being an overweight kid.
You're in my prayers, and I hope that the writing is cathartic and helps you down the road to healing.
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