now as for me....

The reason for my long absence was a terrible trip back to the land of the depressed. I don't know if I can properly put into words what all I went through and what all I felt like I did with capturing my thoughts and feelings while binging but I can try....it was not a great moment to say the least...




For those not in the know, I will tell something I used to fully keep to myself. When I was 12 I began to have these terrible bouts with depression made worse by being chubby and constantly picked on. Well approx two months after my 13th bday I had had enough and took a heaping handful of tylenol and went to sleep thinking I would not get back up. I was wrong b/c a girl who was a friend at the time called up a couple of hours later and told my parents. By this point I was awake and throwing up like a mofo....I didn't know my body would reject that many pills....opps....anyway, I spent a week in the hospital to make sure everything had cleared my system and to make sure I was stable enough mentally. How funny is it that my doc was the same man who treated my uncle coming up. He embodied the, it takes one to know one, saying to the fullest. I saw him off and on from 13 to somewhere in my early 20s. He retired and I've yet to find a doctor to replace him.


Now when things are kept stable in my life I seem to stay ok and have managed to stay off of meds for most of my documented history. As I get older I notice the issues getting worse and can pinpoint more manic episodes (granted we're still looking at like maybe two a year). And while the depressive episodes don't seem to increase in number they do increase in severity. And this year I found myself, for the first time in a very long time, considering ending everything. Why not? Sure, my family would miss me. A few close friends would, too. But can anyone actually make all of this end? The constant berating myself, the constant dark thoughts, the never feeling like I matter in any way, shape, or form. Not wanting to go out in public b/c I feel so ashamed to feel like this.






But then it's like it all disappears. I don't necessarily get giddy or anything but I feel like I can make some sort of headway toward normalcy. I clearly need to get some counseling going again and maybe meds. We'll see. Once insurance is available that will be much easier to accomplish! But for anyone wondering why I bailed on my shows this year, this is one reason why. I just could not keep it together and was suffering almost near panic attacks about getting fat post-show. That is not healthy! hahahahaha, not by a long shot!




So what's my gameplan? Well for one thing, distance myself from some people who have proven to be toxic to me (see previous blog for a hint on that one). I am also refusing to budge when it comes to my training and diet. Nope, not one bit. I budge, I cave, I collapse. Can't do it anymore! I have to be selfish for once in hopes of making myself be what I know I am capable of. And if anyone reading this thinks that's bitchy well, kiss my fat, pale ass :D I know what has worked for me in the past and it's time I do it FOR MYSELF once again.




Until next time my divalicious followers! :)