posted by Jillian Michaels (I love her!) on her twitter account:
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/19/health/research/19anorexia.html?_r=1
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
a feeling of accomplishment....
who knew just simply training b/c I could would feel so good?
I still feel a great sense of shame that I don't look like I did a few shorts weeks ago. I still have an almost paranoid feeling that others are staring or whispering about me behind my back like, hey, wasn't she just skinny and now she's a fatass? and I'm sure there's a couple out there just b/c I know some people like that...but I also recognize it's mostly in my head....like everything else...
how bad was it? I successfully did not look in the mirror at myself (minus putting on makeup) for more than a week...and of course, the makeup application was fully clothed...I remember back in '98 I was so distraught at the thought of looking at myself in the mirror for my dance class that I had to take an incomplete b/c I couldn't go....I was fortunate in that my teacher understood since she came from a ballet background....she certainly got it when it came to someone have a warped view of themselves....but that is the last time I recall avoiding mirrors like that...
I'm still very much working through these feelings as I slowly get it all back in line...I'm at work feeling ashamed and embarrassed and I simply cannot wait to untuck my shirt and hide behind that shapeless piece of fabric...but right now I'm trying very hard to not focus on those feelings and rather keep my thoughts to things ahead of me like continuing to eat healthy, eat smart, workout every day, and turn my thoughts to something besides food and anxiety...I know I can do this...eventually...
I still feel a great sense of shame that I don't look like I did a few shorts weeks ago. I still have an almost paranoid feeling that others are staring or whispering about me behind my back like, hey, wasn't she just skinny and now she's a fatass? and I'm sure there's a couple out there just b/c I know some people like that...but I also recognize it's mostly in my head....like everything else...
how bad was it? I successfully did not look in the mirror at myself (minus putting on makeup) for more than a week...and of course, the makeup application was fully clothed...I remember back in '98 I was so distraught at the thought of looking at myself in the mirror for my dance class that I had to take an incomplete b/c I couldn't go....I was fortunate in that my teacher understood since she came from a ballet background....she certainly got it when it came to someone have a warped view of themselves....but that is the last time I recall avoiding mirrors like that...
I'm still very much working through these feelings as I slowly get it all back in line...I'm at work feeling ashamed and embarrassed and I simply cannot wait to untuck my shirt and hide behind that shapeless piece of fabric...but right now I'm trying very hard to not focus on those feelings and rather keep my thoughts to things ahead of me like continuing to eat healthy, eat smart, workout every day, and turn my thoughts to something besides food and anxiety...I know I can do this...eventually...
Saturday, October 9, 2010
operation lean diva: one step at a time....
I hesitate using words like "skinny" b/c I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to work the hard earned muscle off so I figured "lean" was more apt....and I HATE the word tone...that should only apply to the soap....
so yesterday I figured out one reason why I was extra fluffy and hyper-emotional the whole previous week....good thing I did drop my shows b/c "it" arrived right on schedule....the ladies know what I mean! as a result I've been dropping all that water weight that comes with it which is great b/c I don't feel so rotund but at the same time it's annoying b/c I feel like I'm in the bathroom more than anywhere else! but it's temporary so eh, whatev...
yesterday was not the cleanest of eating but it wasn't terrible either....I had butter popcorn....a large bowl of it...hahahaha....the meals leading up to it were very clean so it wasn't THAT bad....the day before, however, was a total success! and I was very proud of myself and felt very good...and so far today it's been a total repeat...I also went out and did a 3mi walk...that's not that far for me but I had to play along with what mother nature has dealt me so I figured I'd do something else later to go along with it...with all the college football I'm thinking I'll just hop on my bike and pedal away...
so two days in a row and working on a third as being binge and/or purge free....baby steps...
so yesterday I figured out one reason why I was extra fluffy and hyper-emotional the whole previous week....good thing I did drop my shows b/c "it" arrived right on schedule....the ladies know what I mean! as a result I've been dropping all that water weight that comes with it which is great b/c I don't feel so rotund but at the same time it's annoying b/c I feel like I'm in the bathroom more than anywhere else! but it's temporary so eh, whatev...
yesterday was not the cleanest of eating but it wasn't terrible either....I had butter popcorn....a large bowl of it...hahahaha....the meals leading up to it were very clean so it wasn't THAT bad....the day before, however, was a total success! and I was very proud of myself and felt very good...and so far today it's been a total repeat...I also went out and did a 3mi walk...that's not that far for me but I had to play along with what mother nature has dealt me so I figured I'd do something else later to go along with it...with all the college football I'm thinking I'll just hop on my bike and pedal away...
so two days in a row and working on a third as being binge and/or purge free....baby steps...
Thursday, October 7, 2010
woohoo!
Thanks to my girl LeighAnn I was able to get a four pack deal on yoga/spin classes at Sync in Durham....step one towards my goals complete! :)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
and the pendulum swings the other way...
so after a not so good night (er, morning since it was 3am) I finally went to bed and woke up with the exact opposite of the past few weeks....instead of wanting to binge (and sometimes purge) myself on food and working out I want nothing to do with food....no appetite....no yearning for it....I look at it and almost want to cry....or start a food fight with the wall and toss it across the room....why is it so incredibly difficult for me to just look at food as fuel to go and do my workouts with? I simply do not understand it...nor am I patient with this at all....I am beyond disgusted and agitated with myself and my attitude....wtf does it take people?????
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I stand before you, a humbled diva....
wow...the comments being left here and on the RX forums are truly humbling....I always felt like this was a personal struggle I was alone in...maybe part of that was b/c I thought no one would understand....or no one would truly back me...I guess that only child mentality rules, huh?
so I'm already trying something new with food...the vegetarian experiment is fun so far....now let's examine working out...
whenever I've gained weight (be it a lot or just 5lbs) I almost feel ashamed to go to the gym....like they expect me to be buff always and if I'm not then they'll talk about me....um, yeah, hi, paranoid much? although one plus is that I've noticed the gyms around here have a lot of turnover on their staff...what's that tell you! ;) anywho, I want to add some new goals and I'm thinking by making it public, much like the emotional struggles, I can hold myself accountable...I need to get back into spinning and yoga....once I get into that groove it's almost like an addiction to keep at it...and now I want to add running....I want to work up to my first 5k...I have no clue as to how long it may take for me to train for that b/c I know my ankles will need to acclimate themselves to it....my poor little ankles suck! but maybe by January? if anyone reading this already knows of one let me know!
in the meantime, check this out....I found it from a retweet (thank you Kendra!)....great article I think everyone can read and learn something from! http://fortheloveofcookies.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/normal-eating/
so I'm already trying something new with food...the vegetarian experiment is fun so far....now let's examine working out...
whenever I've gained weight (be it a lot or just 5lbs) I almost feel ashamed to go to the gym....like they expect me to be buff always and if I'm not then they'll talk about me....um, yeah, hi, paranoid much? although one plus is that I've noticed the gyms around here have a lot of turnover on their staff...what's that tell you! ;) anywho, I want to add some new goals and I'm thinking by making it public, much like the emotional struggles, I can hold myself accountable...I need to get back into spinning and yoga....once I get into that groove it's almost like an addiction to keep at it...and now I want to add running....I want to work up to my first 5k...I have no clue as to how long it may take for me to train for that b/c I know my ankles will need to acclimate themselves to it....my poor little ankles suck! but maybe by January? if anyone reading this already knows of one let me know!
in the meantime, check this out....I found it from a retweet (thank you Kendra!)....great article I think everyone can read and learn something from! http://fortheloveofcookies.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/normal-eating/
Monday, October 4, 2010
something has to give....
or in this case, something has to change....and it has to change now....
when I started this blog I really thought it was a step in the right direction....which it is....but it has not been as immediate as I expected....I don't mean to imply that I thought I'd write an entry and be cured...um, no....but I did think once I got it out I'd start the healing process....but in reality it only ripped open the wound further....and I think the anxiety of being so honest gave me a very vulnerable feeling....a feeling I do not deal with too well....I've alway had this issue of wanting to be "perfect" and seeming above temptation....above things that make others fall...
and I could not be any further from this....
so I was examining that quote from King of the Hill and I thought, ok, let's think about why this resonates so deeply....and it's simple: I've always felt lonely....I was supposed to be a twin (yes, there were supposed to be two of me!) but that did not come to fruition....my mom suffered at least two miscarriages after me so there I was, an only child....I didn't care much but it left me alone a lot....I didn't grow up around kids my age and only saw them at school or at the figure skating rink...fast forward through the hell years of middle school where I was relentlessly teased for being fat and we get to high school....now I was still made fun of for being overweight but not like I was before....I was highly involved in after school activities and athletics but still, I felt alone...in the longrun (on up until this very moment) I've built a pretty successful wall around me with very few knowing the real me....as a result a lot of people will say things to my face that they think I can take...in reality it strikes me to the core...so combine that with a tendency to not always be the most stable in the brain chemistry dept and I tend to fold when no one is looking....
oh but look...........what's always there for me............what never goes away...........what always makes me feel better.....
food....
in a future blog I will discuss the purge side to this....for now I am looking at the binge part....this weekend has been very up and down....but for some reason tonight I had a new sense of duty....an awakening if you will....this is my chance to be a role model....to help others see that this IS something they can battle through and manage successfully....I want it b/c it's time I realize I'm worth treating myself with pride and respect....my body is starting to show the wear and tear of the abuse....this needs to stop and it needs to stop now...
when I started this blog I really thought it was a step in the right direction....which it is....but it has not been as immediate as I expected....I don't mean to imply that I thought I'd write an entry and be cured...um, no....but I did think once I got it out I'd start the healing process....but in reality it only ripped open the wound further....and I think the anxiety of being so honest gave me a very vulnerable feeling....a feeling I do not deal with too well....I've alway had this issue of wanting to be "perfect" and seeming above temptation....above things that make others fall...
and I could not be any further from this....
so I was examining that quote from King of the Hill and I thought, ok, let's think about why this resonates so deeply....and it's simple: I've always felt lonely....I was supposed to be a twin (yes, there were supposed to be two of me!) but that did not come to fruition....my mom suffered at least two miscarriages after me so there I was, an only child....I didn't care much but it left me alone a lot....I didn't grow up around kids my age and only saw them at school or at the figure skating rink...fast forward through the hell years of middle school where I was relentlessly teased for being fat and we get to high school....now I was still made fun of for being overweight but not like I was before....I was highly involved in after school activities and athletics but still, I felt alone...in the longrun (on up until this very moment) I've built a pretty successful wall around me with very few knowing the real me....as a result a lot of people will say things to my face that they think I can take...in reality it strikes me to the core...so combine that with a tendency to not always be the most stable in the brain chemistry dept and I tend to fold when no one is looking....
oh but look...........what's always there for me............what never goes away...........what always makes me feel better.....
food....
in a future blog I will discuss the purge side to this....for now I am looking at the binge part....this weekend has been very up and down....but for some reason tonight I had a new sense of duty....an awakening if you will....this is my chance to be a role model....to help others see that this IS something they can battle through and manage successfully....I want it b/c it's time I realize I'm worth treating myself with pride and respect....my body is starting to show the wear and tear of the abuse....this needs to stop and it needs to stop now...
Friday, October 1, 2010
at least if you're feeling full you're feeling something....
who knew Bill Dautrieve of King of the Hill could be so profound....
more on this later...
more on this later...
come for the vanity, stay for the sanity....
For two days straight I have stared at this blank blog trying to figure out what I wanted to type...I thought, how difficult could this be? I've been pretty honest and open about this in the past....but then I remember I've been open and honest to a small community of e-friends (and a few real life ones) and now I'm about to "go live" with it....
but then I remember why I'm doing this....it's twofold actually....the first being, I want to help others....I may not be a licensed anything but I do understand what happens to a person both physically and mentally when dealing with anything food and body image related....and if my dealings with it can help another person out then I will have accomplished goal #1....goal #2 is to help myself....to keep me in check, to keep me accountable, and to keep me "realistic"....no more making excuses or lying to myself....no more hiding from my issues....it will no doubt require a lot of soul searching and pain but if exposing my issues and bearing my soul for the world to see is what it takes, then that's what needs to be done....
when I wrote in my journal about an experience I had on Wednesday I never thought I'd get the responses I did....most of them were via texts from friends whom all proclaimed what I described was exactly what it felt like and exactly what they've gone through and that it was so refreshing to know they weren't alone....here is the post in its entirety:
but what spurred that post last night was I had been at work and just started to feel almost shaky....and I was starting to get that feeling...that feeling of wanting to binge....and not on anything there....to be honest if I never touched outback food again (minus those damn awesome cinnamon pecans!) I would not shed a tear-this is what happens once you've entered your 7th consecutive year of staring at the food.....anyway, so back to that feeling....I was literally starting to enter a phase of wringing my hands together....I got in the car and I had to start going, drive straight to gold's-drive straight to gold's....I had to speed past kroger b/c I could literally feel my hands wanting to turn the steering wheel towards the parking lot....I got to the gym and I'm thinking, once I start lifting this will all go away....it didn't....I'm lifting back still wanting to drive to the store and buy whatever I could get my hands on and binge like a mad woman.....I finished up back and got on the stepmill and was texting Kristen and my best friend Jackie and god bless them but it just was not helping....I kept stepping and finally went home....I did not stop by the store but I did get home and eat a can of black beans....weird, huh? hahahaha....it's like I just had to do something...
and it's not even like I had restricted myself or was hungry and made that "regular girl" mistake of barely eating and then eating big at the end of the day b/c I'm hungry....I just got what can only be described as a yearning like what a recovering alcoholic or drug addict gets....even with the shakes and sweats....so far today I have not taken in any carbs....it's like I've developed a fear of them....how fucked up is that!
I don't expect everyone to understand or even acknowledge the issues I face....and I do firmly believe anyone going through any kind of eating disorder, regardless of the type, is using it as an outlet for a much larger issue at hand...what that issue may be is for a qualified professional to determine...but in the meantime I hope to help others and myself examine why it is that they do what they do and what they can do to help prevent such behaviors from resurfacing...
to those that don't understand, I, well, understand! hahahaha ;) this is one of those issues that most look at and go, oh they're just weak or have no willpower....but like a drug or alcohol addict the reality of its presence is almost overwhelming....the biggest difference here is that we can't abstain eating....food is essential to live....I can go the rest of my life without alcohol....food? not so much....and it's EVERYWHERE! social gatherings, family events, places of work....part of this journey will be to discover what triggers binging/purging/avoiding food and what can be done to them...not always possible but like any recovering addict, avoiding situations with known triggers helps in making the process a much smoother one....
so please join me as I start step one of dealing with this issue head on...I want to feel like a "normal" person....I just want to be happy with who I am....I just want to look in the mirror for once and not see every flaw...I want to think about something other than food and working out...I just want to be.....
but then I remember why I'm doing this....it's twofold actually....the first being, I want to help others....I may not be a licensed anything but I do understand what happens to a person both physically and mentally when dealing with anything food and body image related....and if my dealings with it can help another person out then I will have accomplished goal #1....goal #2 is to help myself....to keep me in check, to keep me accountable, and to keep me "realistic"....no more making excuses or lying to myself....no more hiding from my issues....it will no doubt require a lot of soul searching and pain but if exposing my issues and bearing my soul for the world to see is what it takes, then that's what needs to be done....
when I wrote in my journal about an experience I had on Wednesday I never thought I'd get the responses I did....most of them were via texts from friends whom all proclaimed what I described was exactly what it felt like and exactly what they've gone through and that it was so refreshing to know they weren't alone....here is the post in its entirety:
but what spurred that post last night was I had been at work and just started to feel almost shaky....and I was starting to get that feeling...that feeling of wanting to binge....and not on anything there....to be honest if I never touched outback food again (minus those damn awesome cinnamon pecans!) I would not shed a tear-this is what happens once you've entered your 7th consecutive year of staring at the food.....anyway, so back to that feeling....I was literally starting to enter a phase of wringing my hands together....I got in the car and I had to start going, drive straight to gold's-drive straight to gold's....I had to speed past kroger b/c I could literally feel my hands wanting to turn the steering wheel towards the parking lot....I got to the gym and I'm thinking, once I start lifting this will all go away....it didn't....I'm lifting back still wanting to drive to the store and buy whatever I could get my hands on and binge like a mad woman.....I finished up back and got on the stepmill and was texting Kristen and my best friend Jackie and god bless them but it just was not helping....I kept stepping and finally went home....I did not stop by the store but I did get home and eat a can of black beans....weird, huh? hahahaha....it's like I just had to do something...
and it's not even like I had restricted myself or was hungry and made that "regular girl" mistake of barely eating and then eating big at the end of the day b/c I'm hungry....I just got what can only be described as a yearning like what a recovering alcoholic or drug addict gets....even with the shakes and sweats....so far today I have not taken in any carbs....it's like I've developed a fear of them....how fucked up is that!
I don't expect everyone to understand or even acknowledge the issues I face....and I do firmly believe anyone going through any kind of eating disorder, regardless of the type, is using it as an outlet for a much larger issue at hand...what that issue may be is for a qualified professional to determine...but in the meantime I hope to help others and myself examine why it is that they do what they do and what they can do to help prevent such behaviors from resurfacing...
to those that don't understand, I, well, understand! hahahaha ;) this is one of those issues that most look at and go, oh they're just weak or have no willpower....but like a drug or alcohol addict the reality of its presence is almost overwhelming....the biggest difference here is that we can't abstain eating....food is essential to live....I can go the rest of my life without alcohol....food? not so much....and it's EVERYWHERE! social gatherings, family events, places of work....part of this journey will be to discover what triggers binging/purging/avoiding food and what can be done to them...not always possible but like any recovering addict, avoiding situations with known triggers helps in making the process a much smoother one....
so please join me as I start step one of dealing with this issue head on...I want to feel like a "normal" person....I just want to be happy with who I am....I just want to look in the mirror for once and not see every flaw...I want to think about something other than food and working out...I just want to be.....
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