now as for me....

The reason for my long absence was a terrible trip back to the land of the depressed. I don't know if I can properly put into words what all I went through and what all I felt like I did with capturing my thoughts and feelings while binging but I can try....it was not a great moment to say the least...




For those not in the know, I will tell something I used to fully keep to myself. When I was 12 I began to have these terrible bouts with depression made worse by being chubby and constantly picked on. Well approx two months after my 13th bday I had had enough and took a heaping handful of tylenol and went to sleep thinking I would not get back up. I was wrong b/c a girl who was a friend at the time called up a couple of hours later and told my parents. By this point I was awake and throwing up like a mofo....I didn't know my body would reject that many pills....opps....anyway, I spent a week in the hospital to make sure everything had cleared my system and to make sure I was stable enough mentally. How funny is it that my doc was the same man who treated my uncle coming up. He embodied the, it takes one to know one, saying to the fullest. I saw him off and on from 13 to somewhere in my early 20s. He retired and I've yet to find a doctor to replace him.


Now when things are kept stable in my life I seem to stay ok and have managed to stay off of meds for most of my documented history. As I get older I notice the issues getting worse and can pinpoint more manic episodes (granted we're still looking at like maybe two a year). And while the depressive episodes don't seem to increase in number they do increase in severity. And this year I found myself, for the first time in a very long time, considering ending everything. Why not? Sure, my family would miss me. A few close friends would, too. But can anyone actually make all of this end? The constant berating myself, the constant dark thoughts, the never feeling like I matter in any way, shape, or form. Not wanting to go out in public b/c I feel so ashamed to feel like this.






But then it's like it all disappears. I don't necessarily get giddy or anything but I feel like I can make some sort of headway toward normalcy. I clearly need to get some counseling going again and maybe meds. We'll see. Once insurance is available that will be much easier to accomplish! But for anyone wondering why I bailed on my shows this year, this is one reason why. I just could not keep it together and was suffering almost near panic attacks about getting fat post-show. That is not healthy! hahahahaha, not by a long shot!




So what's my gameplan? Well for one thing, distance myself from some people who have proven to be toxic to me (see previous blog for a hint on that one). I am also refusing to budge when it comes to my training and diet. Nope, not one bit. I budge, I cave, I collapse. Can't do it anymore! I have to be selfish for once in hopes of making myself be what I know I am capable of. And if anyone reading this thinks that's bitchy well, kiss my fat, pale ass :D I know what has worked for me in the past and it's time I do it FOR MYSELF once again.




Until next time my divalicious followers! :)

just be a good person.....

Is it really THAT difficult to lead life with a good heart? With a good conscious? No, seriously....I may not be of the religious nature but I do believe in doing right by my fellow man (or woman for you PC folk)....Karma is going to get you like a MOFO! I hope the one moment of pleasure was worth losing a friendship....one that was supposedly of high value....to sit back and see this done is just astounding....






and for anyone that's known me a while, no, that wasn't about my ex! HAHAHAHAHA....same principle but no, not having an unpleasant flashback! ;)

Article on a new anorexia & teens study

posted by Jillian Michaels (I love her!) on her twitter account:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/10/19/health/research/19anorexia.html?_r=1

a feeling of accomplishment....

who knew just simply training b/c I could would feel so good?


 I still feel a great sense of shame that I don't look like I did a few shorts weeks ago. I still have an almost paranoid feeling that others are staring or whispering about me behind my back like, hey, wasn't she just skinny and now she's a fatass? and I'm sure there's a couple out there just b/c I know some people like that...but I also recognize it's mostly in my head....like everything else...


how bad was it? I successfully did not look in the mirror at myself (minus putting on makeup) for more than a week...and of course, the makeup application was fully clothed...I remember back in '98 I was so distraught at the thought of looking at myself in the mirror for my dance class that I had to take an incomplete b/c I couldn't go....I was fortunate in that my teacher understood since she came from a ballet background....she certainly got it when it came to someone have a warped view of themselves....but that is the last time I recall avoiding mirrors like that...


I'm still very much working through these feelings as I slowly get it all back in line...I'm at work feeling ashamed and embarrassed and I simply cannot wait to untuck my shirt and hide behind that shapeless piece of fabric...but right now I'm trying very hard to not focus on those feelings and rather keep my thoughts to things ahead of me like continuing to eat healthy, eat smart, workout every day, and turn my thoughts to something besides food and anxiety...I know I can do this...eventually...

operation lean diva: one step at a time....

I hesitate using words like "skinny" b/c I don't want anyone to think I'm trying to work the hard earned muscle off so I figured "lean" was more apt....and I HATE the word tone...that should only apply to the soap....




so yesterday I figured out one reason why I was extra fluffy and hyper-emotional the whole previous week....good thing I did drop my shows b/c "it" arrived right on schedule....the ladies know what I mean! as a result I've been dropping all that water weight that comes with it which is great b/c I don't feel so rotund but at the same time it's annoying b/c I feel like I'm in the bathroom more than anywhere else! but it's temporary so eh, whatev...


yesterday was not the cleanest of eating but it wasn't terrible either....I had butter popcorn....a large bowl of it...hahahaha....the meals leading up to it were very clean so it wasn't THAT bad....the day before, however, was a total success! and I was very proud of myself and felt very good...and so far today it's been a total repeat...I also went out and did a 3mi walk...that's not that far for me but I had to play along with what mother nature has dealt me so I figured I'd do something else later to go along with it...with all the college football I'm thinking I'll just hop on my bike and pedal away...




so two days in a row and working on a third as being binge and/or purge free....baby steps...

woohoo!

Thanks to my girl LeighAnn I was able to get a four pack deal on yoga/spin classes at Sync in Durham....step one towards my goals complete! :)

and the pendulum swings the other way...

so after a not so good night (er, morning since it was 3am) I finally went to bed and woke up with the exact opposite of the past few weeks....instead of wanting to binge (and sometimes purge) myself on food and working out I want nothing to do with food....no appetite....no yearning for it....I look at it and almost want to cry....or start a food fight with the wall and toss it across the room....why is it so incredibly difficult for me to just look at food as fuel to go and do my workouts with? I simply do not understand it...nor am I patient with this at all....I am beyond disgusted and agitated with myself and my attitude....wtf does it take people?????

I stand before you, a humbled diva....

wow...the comments being left here and on the RX forums are truly humbling....I always felt like this was a personal struggle I was alone in...maybe part of that was b/c I thought no one would understand....or no one would truly back me...I guess that only child mentality rules, huh?


so I'm already trying something new with food...the vegetarian experiment is fun so far....now let's examine working out...

whenever I've gained weight (be it a lot or just 5lbs) I almost feel ashamed to go to the gym....like they expect me to be buff always and if I'm not then they'll talk about me....um, yeah, hi, paranoid much? although one plus is that I've noticed the gyms around here have a lot of turnover on their staff...what's that tell you! ;) anywho, I want to add some new goals and I'm thinking by making it public, much like the emotional struggles, I can hold myself accountable...I need to get back into spinning and yoga....once I get into that groove it's almost like an addiction to keep at it...and now I want to add running....I want to work up to my first 5k...I have no clue as to how long it may take for me to train for that b/c I know my ankles will need to acclimate themselves to it....my poor little ankles suck! but maybe by January? if anyone reading this already knows of one let me know!


in the meantime, check this out....I found it from a retweet (thank you Kendra!)....great article I think everyone can read and learn something from! http://fortheloveofcookies.wordpress.com/2010/10/04/normal-eating/